sending... hmm... dear god, not thoughts and prayers... a butt-load of good that would do.
if my own life wasn't a different yet painfully similar war zone of life in the basic survival financial trenches augmented by the emotional toll of soldiering through it solo... i dunno... i can recall a time when my relentless optimism would kick in and i'd offer up SOMETHING more than empathy.
but here i am and here you are—trudging the road of life on life's terms made exponentially harsher in a world i know longer recognize or fathom on a good day.
on the other hand and for better or worse, clawing your way back is possible albeit terrifying.
best i can offer is being a natural-born-warrior is a bitch. and as an only-child dealing with pain, guilt, and overload on all fronts and daily feels insurmountable.
so claw, adeline... claw away... yet try not to forget the moments that fueled you and gave you strength to look forward.
the hikes, the horse, the tidepools, the sun and the moon... you'll make your way back to all of it because you can get through this nightmare.
in the meantime, show yourself the compassion and love that was easier [for me anyway] to find and believe before the goddamn world went sideways.
i hope this doesn't sound lame. i hate lame blather more than anything.
i just know for myself i had to fight to find grace while life's kicking my ass and that started with giving myself a fucking break now and then no matter how much that in and of itself felt like i was giving up.
you're no giver-upper.
if bad television, chocolate and benzos take some pressure off for the time being... trust yourself knowing you won't stay THERE.
bad television, wine, weed, and western meds were the best i could do until i gradually clawed my way back towards a more sustainable [and less mind-numbing] version of who i know i really am at my core.
am i well and wonderful today?
fuck no.
but what's left of this fellini-film rat race is a marathon not a 50-yard sprint and i'd sure enjoy seeing you and a few others like us at the goddamn finish line.
<3<3<3
